Criticism

Notes of fatherhood #1

I wrote previously that there are things that people always tell you about children that are just straight out lies. These lies are not only about certain feelings or things that happen but more closely related to certain actions limited to your kid. I know this sounds like it makes no sense what so ever, but bare with me and all shall be clear.

When your kid is born it can only communicate through one things. That thing being crying. So it cries when it is tired, when it is hungry, bored and whatever else you can think of. This unfortunately means that you will lack quite some sleep at the beginning. The lack of sleep leads to you doing and saying things you don’t mean simply because of the stress and annoyance that a lack of sleep is accompanied with. In the army this is for example a very efficient torture method (or maybe not only in the army). But I digress, the tiredness that leads to the eruptions of emotions is something that is quite normal but annoying, and because both parties are on edge controlling these outbursts can be difficult. However, one thing I never could understand was why people would assume that a relationship that has hit hard times, might be better with a child in the picture. If anything the opposite is true. A relationship that has hit the rocks will never be better when a child is involved, it will be worse! But that is another matter all together.

When children cry they do so in a very interesting frequency that lets your teeth chipper, your nostrils shake with horror and your head ring in a tone you have never ever heard before, and most likely never want to hear again. Oh and those that say they sleep through it (Yes YOU! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) are lying! There is no way in hell you can sleep through that incessant crying, but wake up when there is some music playing in the background. You not going to see the kid means not that you are asleep but that you are too tired to get up and push the responsibility on the other person.

Actually if the person sleeps through it then run a test. While asleep take some music with some shrilling noises and play it next to that persons ear, we will see if they wake up then. But back to the matter at hand. The crying can stop on its own after a while or continue on for years (yes I mean years). Naturally the first thing people say when you ask them how their nights are, they always smugly reply that their child is sleeping perfectly every night. At that moment (although I know I want to smack them in the face) test that matter. Come once unannounced to their house at a time when the child is supposedly asleep. It is then that suddenly you will hear the excuses: Normally he is asleep already. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, he always sleeps right away…

So why lie?! Well that’s the real question, and I don’t have a real answer except that people always want to be considered good parents. It doesn’t matter if they lie or not they want to appear as really good parents. The one thing people tend to forget is that we all learn how to be parents while doing it. And most of us have multiple jobs (mother/father next to the normal job) which means we can’t spend that much time learning how to do everything. So need to get a book on the matter go ahead, if that works for you but don’t forget that every child is different and no manual can tell you everything. One other interesting fact is that everyone can be a parent, there is nothing that you need to pass, no degree no nothing. But if you want to adopt then you need to pass a multitude of tests and channels and you are never guaranteed any result at the end. Unless you are Madonna…

Living without

Something strange has happened to me as of late. The strangeness is not so much a happening as it is a realization of something. This realization occurred to me after I lost something and what better format to tell you about this than right here. I have never noticed it before because living without something is very hard to do when you have never lived without it. Let me give you an example: prior to losing your sense of smell for example you never notice what an important part of your life it plays, this is true not only for certain senses that we lose but for many specific things that happen to us. We are creatures of habit and our nature tells us that we will always live they way we do, it is when we lose something that suddenly our world is thrown into disarray and we are somewhat at a loss for a remedy.

For me it was a relative small change, I lost my voice. After I lost it though I noticed how much I actually use it in communicating with other people and how difficult it must be for people who have lost their voice to adapt to the new situation. People that are born without a sense have had to content with that situation their whole life, that is not to say it is easier but in a way they don’t know what their missing. If you lost a sense irrelevant of what that sense is, you know what your missing and you have to content yourself with either having to live without forever or for a short period of time.

What I find even more interesting in this whole endeavor is that people don’t care. I mean we as a civilized and progressive society are continuously looking for ways to improve our way of life but for some reason we just don’t seem to actually care too much about the things that are happening around us, be it people who are down on their luck or other such things. We will give little notice to them or when we do we will simply give some money to some organization, but more importantly is that they do not interrupt us and do not become involved in our lives. We want the problem solved in a way that means we don’t want to be bothered by it and the best thing would be to just push it under the rug. However, after some time the lumps will prevent you from walking straight and as usually with these temporary solutions, you need to adjust somewhat to accommodate a more permanent solution that will benefit everyone involved. For the general public this means whisking the problem away for the ones who have the problem it means learn to live with it as quickly as you can. How cruel and how ignorant that may seem. Me my voice will come back unfortunately for many of us that will not happen and maybe the most important thing is use your senses wisely, you never know when it will disappear on you. Worse then losing something is having something and never use it…

The truth that lies

I want to write something about a subject that people always lie about. I am almost sure you wouldn’t guess the subject I am about to write about, simply because it so close to everyone’s heart that they never think they actually lie about it. So what is this subject in one word children. The whole process from labor to child birth to raising children is so full of lies that it is incredible how we become normal individuals at all. I know this might seem a little controversial but let’s break this down and I am sure you will see at least some points you will recognize.

1) Labor

The lies in labor are always the same. These involve famous quotes like “it will all be worth it in the end”, “there is hardly any pain involved” etc etc. I think people forget the pain that is involved or you would never have another child in the first place. But next to the pain there are so many other things that make it strange. For example why are pregnant women not telling one another the truth about the problems the annoyance and all the other things? They are largely ignored or they find too imbarancing to talk about. Next to that there are other discussion points involving the surgery and the labor itself but I will not go there now.

2) Baby’s

Let’s talk about the biggest lie of all… When you have a child its a lot of hard work! No one tells you these things but its true. Children and baby’s most of all will put a strain on your relationship and/or life in a way that will be new to you. Things will undoubtedly change and some of it will be good don’t get me wrong but some of it will be bad. If you have a baby that’s a good sleeper that already will be a good thing because the additional strain of a chronic lack of sleep won’t put you in a position to say stupid things to one another and communicate by screaming. If you are alone things will be worse still. Next to that is the feeding which if you have a baby that eats well is great if he doesn’t then great more problems.

There is one other little truth which goes to the dads out there. The mother has a connection (in most cases) to their child which is instant. The dad does not, the connection with the father comes later and there is no problem in admitting that. There is also no reflex involved in taking care of your child which is something people tend to forget. In most cases you need to figure things out and you will make mistakes on the way, which is only normal. The annoying part is that people never tell you these things they usually just look at you funny if you are having problem or if things are not going as smoothly as they should. But let’s face it if everything was going smoothly for everyone why is there post labor depression? Why are there so many broken relationships and so on and so on. There are so many more points I could criticize here but I think the most important part is that we as a society should support one another and not just criticize and talk about how everything is so easy. Because there are many things that are not easy and there is no easy guidebook and unfortunately everyone can have children.

3) Lies we tell to children

When a child grows up he asks us questions and here starts a problem. There are a lot of things we decide are too complicated for children and so we tell little lies, or because we don’t really know the answer or because we think its too complicated to explain. So we tell what we consider are white lies. “Dad how does the TV work?”

“Well there is a guy stuck in the TV that tells us everything you see and when you turn it off the guy dies!”

Alright so that’s a joke (I hope) but still there are many lies we tell that we learn as a lie ourselves. Things like how many senses do we have. Answer is NOT FIVE!!!

We all know the normal five: Hear, See, Taste, Feel (touch), and smell.

If you think that’s it just think about how it is that we can keep our balance without falling, or how do we know where we are in space even when our eyes are close (this research actually led to a noble price in 2014 which you can read about here: http://www.nature.com/news/nobel-prize-for-decoding-brain-s-sense-of-place-1.16093?WT.mc_id=EMI_NATURE_1410_NATURENEWSBREAKINGSNOBELMED_PORTFOLIO).

Another few interesting ones are pain, temperature (difference between hot and cold) etc.

This is just one little example these lies are very different to the lies we tell to make someone feel better. For example “Ofcourse there is a Santa Clause”  and all the other things that we say to comfort our loved ones. Those are different lies which I won’t consider the same as the ones I explained previously. There are many other examples like this and if you want to know more examples there are many good books on the subjects which are great reads and usually quite funny, because many of the lies we tell we don’t even know are lies.

Oh and who came up with baby’s are bundles of joy?! They are definitely not a bundle of joy! But just to put a positive spin into all of this when your child laughs it is the most beautiful moment, and when he recognizes you and wants to kiss you or be in your arms these are all moments you should cherish because just when you get used to that they stop. And you wish they could be small again instead of Teenagers… But that’s a whole other bundle of trouble…

Around every corner

Cross the road

Look around

There are people

Coming, going

A child, young

Good and bad

Black or white

Can you judge?!

Hope for good

Accept the bad

Look around

There are people

They have lives

As do you.

Eyes inverted

Instead of you

They see me.

Can you judge?!

See a suit

A lawyer, a nun

What is the difference?!

Cloth can burn

I have a cross

Do I believe?!

I have dark

I lie down

I get a coin

I am rich

Can you judge?!

Blood and cry

Hurt they die

Close your eyes

Love is inside

I freeze, I die

I kill, I live

Though I die…

Can you judge?!

(30/01/2004)

Is it really so easy?

It is easy to scream if you cannot hear

It is easy to hate if you don’t know love

It is easy to laugh if you don’t know how to cry

It is easy to break if you know not how to create

It is easy to listen without hearing

It is easy to show off without proving it

It is easy after you do something once to do so again

So much of it is easy and still there are so many needy

At the end of the day all you can do is hope

That the harm you do is less than the good.

(23/01/2004)

A world

In a world I dare not live

Where poor are king and whores queen.

A scream so quiet and silence so loud

Where fish rain down and butterflies create hurricanes

Where the sky is green and the ground blue

A name unspoken is just another sign

And everyone tries to run to fall

In a sense it has none but in this I prosper not

My flower grows but the rest is left without

Such a pity it is, our greatest barrier in our mind.

In such a world I dare not live…

(21/11/2003)